“Well darlings, it’s all fur coat and no knickers. Just fur coat and no knickers…..
But- that’s enough about me. I bet that you’re all just bursting to read about my exploits on Mykonos…..
Well darlings, it was first off to a private salami tasting session at the Greek Naval Academy here on Mykonos. Eat your heart out, Katie Price, or whatever the hell it is that you’re called this week.
Well, what a night! All those handsome young sailors, standing at attention for little old me! I almost didn’t know where to begin, darlings. And don’t even get me started on the senior officer’s mess…….
Anyway, after my three o’clock reverse colonic irrigation (thank you Boris and Nigel, you’re both such angels) it was time for my early, pre-dinner cocktails at Caprice. Then, just as I was sashaying along the waterfront, the sun disappeared behind this humunguous moving object. I’ve never seen that much solid mass moving in slow motion since the launching of the Titanic, darlings. No wonder I put Moet on my corn flakes….
Of course, it was that whore, Desiree….
Now you know me, darlings. I’m not one to gossip. Really, I’m not. But the woman looked like a badly wrapped Easter Egg in a stretch kaftan. And the last time that I saw THAT many chins at the same time, was in the Beijing telephone directory. Thank you Giorgios, darling, they’re the little pink pills on the right….
And I’m still having nightmares about those nasal hairs, darlings. Honestly- they were waving in the breeze like the tentacles of a Portuguese jellyfish. I half expected to see Tarzan swinging from side to side across them. Now there’s a man that I could teach a thing or two about swinging, if you get my meaning….
But- that Desiree. Talk about desperate! I hear that she now lets her gentleman admirers pay for her ‘favours’-whatever the hell they are- with Monopoly money. Given how old and decrepit the fat, pear shaped, sozzled, witless hag is, I would have said that Confederate currency would have suited her just as well!
Still, I’m not one to gloat, or spread gossip, as you know full well, darlings. And after all, it’s not her fault that she’s got an IQ that’s lower than a slug’s dangly bits, is it? Meow, baby!
Anyway darlings, I must dash. I’ve got a three o’clock at Tourlos with an American aircraft carrier. Catch you later, cupcakes-ciao!”