In the sea of iniquity we refer to as life, the Margarita is truly one of God’s most unsung little helpers. It soothes away our aches and pains, together with all memories of the weapons grade quarter wits that so many of us are obliged to deal with on a daily basis. It is, indeed, a truly miraculous creation.
And, when we are on holiday, what else do we turn to for sustenance and enlightenment, if not the Holy Margarita? Indeed, the Margarita is a drink for all seasons, and for even more reasons.
But, how do I get the best out of my Margarita, I hear you cry? Fear not; help is at hand. Here, in simple and succint language, is your perfect guide to enjoying the Mark One Margarita.
(Please note that this instruction manual is also valid when applied to the Mark One Strawberry Daiquiri, the Mark One Harvey Wallbanger, and certain kinds of Californian White Zinfandel)
Please note that these remarks apply only to Margaritas consumed aboard cruise ships, and not those abused on dry land. I am sorry, but even I cannot be everywhere.
- Firstly, be aware that the Margarita can be enjoyed at any time of every day. For, as the great prophet, Saint Jimmy of Buffet doth tell us, it is always five o’clock somewhere. So, if you’re in the Caribbean and you fancy a cheeky ‘Rita at eight in the morning, just remember that it is already five o’clock in the Bay of Bengal…
- Location is everything. The true aficionado should seek out a location near to the buffet, the pool, and the bathroom, in order to minimise the amount of walking/staggering time that they will have to do later. This might be more important that you think after that third Margarita….
- When ordering a Margarita on a ship, you should never ask for it ‘on the rocks’. It’s just plain bad etiquette. When your bartender asks you how you would like your Margarita, the correct response is ‘quickly’.
- Now, find a sun lounger with the back rest angled to around thirty five degrees, and then make yourself comfortable. Then, take a baggage label withe your name and cabin number written on it in clear letters and digits, and attach it to your right wrist. This will be of enormous assistance to the poor deck stewards that have to pour you back into the boggy lair that constitutes your cabin at some God awful hour.
- Worried about Mosquito bites? Don’t be. After your third Margarita, your blood stream will be about ninety per cent tequila. Any ‘mozzy’ stupid enough to bite you will either die of alcohol poisoning, or else hit the sea like an out of control kamikaze. It’s a kind of pest control and, also, a service to your fellow passengers. Cheers!
- The Mark One Margarita should be held at the stem, and then tilted backwards until the straw makes contact with the mouth. Which should be open. Tilt the glass gently up and down to ensure a free flowing connection between straw and mouth.
- After a while, you may begin to hear the sound of reggae music. Even if none is actually being played anywhere near within earshot at the time. It is perfectly acceptable to tap your fingers to the imaginary beat, while always remembering to mouth the word shabba at periodic intervals. It’s a form of public entertainment that your fellow passengers will be delighted and amazed to behold…..
- While the above may be enough to make the blue rinsed Matriach docked next to you spit out her teeth in shock, it will also stop her from sinking those same, gravestone sized gnashers into that flying saucer of a burger that she was about to devour. Hurrah! You have helped lower her cholesterol levels, even if it is a bit too late for the poor old cow. The one on the plate, that is….
- In the event of flow interruption, please check your chosen drink receptacle. Is it empty? If so, simply cry loudly. Outright wailing is acceptable if there are less than thirty people within normal earshot range. With any luck, your trusty bartender will come to your rescue quicker than a Kangaroo down an Australian coal mine. What’s that. Skippy? We need more limes?
Just repeat these simple, elementary steps until you pass out. In the morning, you may awake in your beautiful, seagoing boudoir, liberally refreshed, and safe in the knowledge that, as Saint Vivien of Leigh would say, today is, indeed, another day. And, of course, vodka is an acceptable substitute for milk on your breakfast corn flakes. Onward and upwards!
Always be aware of the opening times of your favourite bar. Be discreet. It is considered unseemly to be seen hammering on the cabin door of your favourite bartender at six in the morning, wailing and crying because he/she will not get out of bed to make you a Margarita. A polite phone call might be in order first. Better still, why not bring them some coffee and, perhaps, croissants along with the cocktail shaker? Good manners cost nothing, after all.
And, when said bartender decides to call it a day after a fourteen hour shift, do not threaten to throw yourself overboard the moment that he/she decides to pull down the shutters for the evening. Have some dignity and consideration. Or simply pour yourself into another bar…..
Always remember that, like fluffy little kittens and cute little puppies, a Margarita is not just for Christmas, either. Plus, you’ll have less trouble shoving a lime into a Margarita, and you’ll end up with nothing like so many of those pesky scratch marks, either.
So, there you have it. Simple, really. Bottoms up, though-again-perhaps not best to say this on a cruise ship that isn’t the Poseidon. Enjoy!