For a start, space is at a premium, even on the largest cruise ship. What percentage of on board passengers on any given cruise even know where the damned gym is, anyway?
But, let’s get really serious here, folks. There are numerous reasons why the gymnasium should be banned at sea. Here, I propose to outline just five of those….
1) THEY HAVE NO HAMMOCKS
That’s right. They don’t. And, when you consider just how much acute physical effort is required just to climb in and out of an actual hammock, never mind to rock one from side to side, then you realise what a serious omission that humble hammock is from any gymnasium. See, gyms are dumb.
2) THEY HAVE NO JACUZZIS, EITHER…
Consider how important your morning Jacuzzi Aerobic workout is to you for a moment, as you bend, lift, stretch and rotate to pick up that all important, third Margarita. So you’d think that an internal Jacuzzi in every gymnasium would make sense. But apparently not. So, no. Like, duh….
3) THE DRINKS CHOICE IS RUBBISH, TOO
Ship board gymnasiums often occupy prime slices of on board real estate. Many of them look out over the bows from the very top deck. Light and air is there for all and yes, the views of the sunset are amazing from up there. But can you get a decent Martini? Hell, no.
Instead, they ‘offer’ water, juices, shakes, and other hideous libations, many of them secreted from Satan’s own, personal sweat glands. God, I haven’t ever even seen a decent cocktail list in any gym, let alone enjoyed one. Nasty.
4) THERE ARE NO FAST FOOD OPTIONS IN SHIPBOARD GYMS
With my own eyes, I have seen clinically obese people walk the length of a ship’s upper deck, often four or five times in succession, just to help themselves to food from the on board lunchtime buffet. Clearly, this form of casual, ‘up and down’ promenading to the dessert display and back is all the exercise that these people feel that they need. So, why bother with a gym at all, eh?
Perhaps gyms could combat this by creating a ‘virtual buffet’ that plays out on the screens in front of each exercise bike and treadmill? The harder and/or faster that someone pedals toward the imaginary food, the more vouchers they earn towards a free burger and diet coke, or eight. It’s called ‘joined up thinking’, people. Jeez……
5) THE NOISE POLLUTION IN GYMNASIUMS IS TERRIBLE
Oh, the soundtrack of a modern, seagoing gym. The grunts. The groans, The agonised screams, the gasps, and the pleas for God to help them. Why not take out all of this hard work, and just watch the Eurovision Song Contest if you really need to hear the most terrible cacophony of human anguish this side of an Inquisition dungeon? And, make no mistake, many cruise ship gymnasiums could double up for those, too.
Here, I rest my case. Mainly because I’m too damned lazy to actually carry the damned thing…….